Why “Decentring Men/Romance” Resonates with So Many of Us
Between Korea’s 4B movement and the western world’s recent uptake in discourse about “decentring men”, there has been an evident shift in the modern culture of dating. But what exactly does this mean? The core principle of “decentring men” proposes that we recognize the oppressive nature of patriarchal standards and choose to no longer centre our lives around them. This applies to all genders and people, not just cis, heterosexual women. More specifically, this can involve:
No longer tying your worth to be “chosen”
No longer subscribing to suppressive and unrealistic standards around what it means to be desirable (e.g. for women: young, pure, passive, for men: emotionless, dominant, “the breadwinner”
No longer prioritizing being seen as desirable over being your authentic self
No longer treating romantic relationships as inherently more important than relationships with friends, family, community, or yourself
No longer accepting disrespect, emotional unavailability, or unequal labour as the inevitable cost of being in a relationship
No longer assuming that romantic partnerships should be the centre of your social and emotional life
Becoming more willing to disappoint men when doing so means remaining aligned with yourself
Asking, “Do I actually want this?” before asking, “Will this make me attractive to others?”
Reclaiming the freedom to define a meaningful life on your own terms
Challenging the social conditions we’ve been taught to live more consciously and intentionally with our lives
Why does this seem to resonate with so many people around the world? Here are a few reasons, in short:
It also allows us decentre our appearance, freeing up capacity to care about other meaningful things. We are beginning to recognize how much capitalism benefits from idealizing romantic relationships. Many industries profit from us believing being chosen is the marker of fulfillment. We are exhausted from living under the unrelenting standards through the lens of desirability.
It brings us back to each other. Keeping up with the state of the world is exhausting; having community and multiple pillars of support helps. Many of us are carrying chronic overwhelm, grief, burnout, fear, and instability. We are relearning how to grieve openly and collectively rather than alone.
It actually makes us feel less lonely. Many of us are realizing how unsustainable it is to place the weight of belonging, intimacy, and happiness on one relationship. No single person can hold all of our needs and desires. Coming to terms with this allows us be rooted in community, self-trust, and multiple sources of connection.
This discourse is ongoing and ever-changing. I hope this short post provides some clarity and keeps your mind curious about these transformative and potentially liberating new ways to live.
