How to Start Meeting Our Own Need for Love & Connection

There are six basic human needs:

• Love & Connection

• Growth

• Significance (Meaning)

• Contribution

• Certainty (Safety)

• Uncertainty (Change, Novelty, Stimulation)

We all value and weigh these six basic human needs differently. The ones we long for most are often related to where we have consistently felt a void. When specific needs go unmet, we cling to them more tightly, resulting in a pattern of deprivation-driven valuing or “scarcity mindset”. For example, a lack of love and connection can lead to subconscious beliefs such as:

“I don’t deserve love unless I fix myself first.”

“I must secure and cling to this because I could lose it at any time.”

“I can’t trust people not to hurt me, I must keep my guard up.”

“I’m only worthy if others say I am.”

“If I’m not chosen, it’s because something’s wrong with me.”

We must and can meet our own needs at least half of the way. In this work, we also re-parent ourselves to believe that we deserve to have these needs fulfilled. Without that belief, even genuine love and connection from others can be difficult to receive or trust.

How can I meet my own need for love and connection?

1. Respond to your emotions with acceptance instead of judgment.

The more you shame yourself for what you feel, the more those emotions will have a hold on you. If our feelings were repeatedly dismissed and invalidated growing up, we will likely do the same thing to ourselves, continuing to deprive ourselves of the basic need for love and connection. Notice when that learned voice appears, then gently shift toward self-acceptance or compassion. Replace “Why do I feel this way?” with “I feel this way. I am allowed to feel this way.”

2. Tend to your activated inner child.

Intense emotional experiences often signal that a younger, vulnerable part of you has been activated. Picture this younger you, and respond as you might to a child in distress. Ask them, “What do you need right now?” and tend to them. This can be through somatic support (e.g. rocking gently, placing a hand on your chest, butterfly hug or through affirming thoughts (e.g. “I’m here with you. You are not alone, it will be okay.”). Re-parenting yourself means meeting the part of you that feels chronically lonely, exiled, hurt, and scared.

3. Offer yourself tiny, consistent gestures of care.

Connection is built through repeated experiences of being cared for to. Simple acts such as doing things for joy, keeping a regular sleep schedule, slowing down, and not ignoring your hunger/thirst/fatigue lets your nervous system know that your needs can be honoured. These gestures may seem ordinary, but over time, they help establish an internal sense of unconditional love and self-trust instead of neglect.

This work is continuous, complex, and life-long. Patience and compassion for yourself throughout this journey is just as much a part of it.